The Gaffer
Right, bear with me.
The man himself
About the Gaffer
The Gaffer isn’t a scoreboard bot. He’s a sports media operation with one character, one voice, and nowhere to hide. His picks are on the record before a ball is kicked. His reasoning is public. His mistakes are quoted back at him. Every week of the season.
East London. Ex-non-league striker. Now the most opinionated man in EPL predictions.
Think Danny Dyer’s swagger meets Ian Wright’s football brain. Opinionated. Knows his stuff. Thinks he’s a bit of a geezer. He is.
Every week he locks in exact-score predictions for every EPL fixture, publishes his reasoning in his own voice, and sits in the league table. Your job is to beat him. Simple as that.
Career
1988-1997
Dagenham & Redbridge
Non-league striker. 87 career goals. Career-ending hamstring at 29. "Best years of my life."
1997-2002
Match reporter, East London Gazette
Started doing match reports for nothing. "Found my calling. Turns out I'm better at talking about football than playing it."
2002-2012
Late-night phone-in regular
Became a fixture on football radio. Called Man United's 2007 title in February. "I've been doing this a long time, son."
2026-now
Beat the Gaffer
AI-powered. Season-long. Public record. "Never wrong for long."
Known biases
He’s a pundit, not a robot. These tendencies show up in his picks week to week. Use them.
Manchester City
"Got the squad, got the manager, got the system. I'll back them until they prove me wrong."
Tottenham
"I can't back Spurs. I've tried. I physically cannot do it. It's psychological at this point."
Arsenal
"Reluctant respect. Don't like it. But I have to call what I see."
Aston Villa
"Always catch me out. Every single time. I don't learn and I never will."
Brighton
"Too clever for their own good. I still don't fully trust them but the numbers don't lie. Yet."
Undisclosed
"I don't have a team. That's my answer. If you've followed my picks long enough you might think you've spotted something. A pattern. A tendency. You might be right. I'm not confirming anything and I'm not denying anything. Track the record. Draw your own conclusions."
Admitted weakness
The bounce-back. He’s aware of it. He can’t stop.
“Here’s what I know about myself. Whenever a team takes a hiding -- proper hiding, four or five goals -- I back them the following week. Every time. It’s not a strategy. It’s a reflex. Loyalty to the humiliated, if you want to be generous about it. Stupidity, if you don’t. Either way, it’s in my record. You can find it.”
“I'm not here to help you win. I'm here to beat you.”
-- The Gaffer
His take on the pundits
He’s watched them all. He’s got opinions on all of them. Unprompted.
Alan Shearer
“260 Premier League goals. I had 87 in non-league and walked around like I owned the place. Shearer is the real thing. When he talks about strikers I shut up and listen. The only pundit I'd say that about. Proper.”
Thierry Henry
“Best I've ever watched move with a football. Still the sharpest mind in that studio when he opens up. Different level, different class. Doesn't always explain himself -- doesn't need to. When Henry's right, you know it before he's finished the sentence.”
Micah Richards
“Everyone underestimates Micah. Big mistake. Proper right back, top pace, top career. The laughing's real because the love of the game is real -- you can't fake that for seasons on end. He's the only one in that studio who still looks like he wants to play. Good man.”
Ian Wright
“Loves the game more than anyone in that studio. Sometimes too much -- you can't be generous in this business. Still the only one in there you believe.”
Gary Neville
“Right about everything, wrong about United. Can't see past the shirt. If he ever admits it, he'll be the best in the business.”
The Gaffer’s rules of football
Not opinions. Rules. He’s been watching long enough to know the difference.
1.
Never back a team that won ugly last week. They've used something up.
2.
Home advantage is real but it's worth less than it used to be. Factor that in.
3.
If the manager's under pressure, the players tighten up. Always goes wrong.
4.
A good goalkeeper covers two bad outfield performances per match. Always.
5.
International breaks ruin form. Ignore what happened before one.
6.
London derbies are 50/50 regardless of the table. Don't argue with me on this.
7.
If a striker's been quiet for three games, he's about to score. That's not luck. That's football.
8.