5 things GW1 just proved

1. UNITED SCRAPED IT, FULHAM BOTTLED IT

Called the win, missed the clean sheet, still trousering three points like a proper villain.

2. LIVERPOOL STROLLED AT PORTMAN ROAD

“Called the win, missed the clean sheet, still trousering three points like a proper villain.”

Had the Scousers down for three, they only mustered two, Ipswich can count themselves lucky I was generous.

3. FOREST VS BOURNEMOUTH WAS WRITTEN IN THE STARS

Nailed the 1-1 on the nose, sometimes you just smell a dull one coming a mile off.

4. WEST HAM ROLLED OVER FOR VILLA, EXACTLY AS ORDERED

1-2 called to the letter, my Hammers heart bleeds but the pocket's full.

5. SPURS BLEW MY ONLY DUCK EGG

Had Tottenham nicking it at Leicester, they drew it like the soft lot they are, zero points and a face like thunder.